Thirty-Third Post
I’ve probably written about this before, but I’ll mention it again even if I have, as it isn’t any less true now than it ever has been: so far as I can tell, my life and person are governed by change. I know, I know — it’s really not that grand a revelation…after all, aren’t most lives, regardless of what one admits, dictated by exactly the same state? But I’ve adopted this descriptor for simplicity’s sake, and for lack of any other consistently applicable term. Heh, yeah…consistency is tough.
And here’s a little something to complement the sentiment:
This snippet, from the song, The Warriors’ Hearts by The Blow, feels like change to me. Change…and learning, as well? You definitely gotta hope the two come in tandem.
What I’ve learned is that there is no security in change. They say that “change is good,” but that sure as shit is a relative statement! Change in character brings me identity crises semi-annually; change in affections weakens the resolve of my already fickle heart; change in address has left me without a “home” — ooh, which reminds me of an ancient and beautiful poem by Li Bai, written while he was in exile:
In front of my bed, bright moonlight shines,
I mistakingly think it’s frost on the ground.
I lift my head up at the bright moonlight,
I lower my head and think of my old home.
Anyway…the return on change is often short. However, for those that are accustomed, there is derived from it a positively useful trait: the ability to navigate. Because, really, it’s a rotten, hellish, angry bitch of a tsunami-saturated demonstorm, completely indifferent to your little dinghy. Navigation, then, is a…handy skill — it helps you get through the worst of it.
Is it any wonder that my greatest of ambitions involve the simplest of things? I want a house, a solid relationship, and a relatively happy family. That’s it — and anything else is gravy.
Funny, though…this is about to become an optimistic post. As I’ve mentioned before (in my twenty-first post, at the very least), I’m in a transitional period. After the weariness that I’ve experienced as exclusively associated with such things, it’s not surprising that the resultant myopia has caused me some difficulty in seeing that, actually, I am being gifted with some excessively good changes these days.
In my little world (in which I live as a little boy) these things are somewhat beyond belief: I will be done with my bachelor’s — which I don’t like to admit has been a long, esteem-shattering road — in a year; I’ve just been offered a paid, full-time research assistant position on the Veterans Affairs study for which I’ve been volunteering; and I’m about to leave a job for which I no longer have any passion. Perhaps these appear to be small things…but I promise that they are not.
So…I’m happy with change right now, and I’m working to accept some good.
Oh wow, congratulations on the paid internship!
These are not small things at all.
Just because these things have been said and done by others doesn’t make it cliché to live your life.
Aw. Thank you…that’s definitely something I struggle with.
I second what Raya said about the internship–congrats; that is awesome!
The thing about change is that all of the awesome stuff that it yields is often far down the road from the stressful time in which it manifests. And who realistically has the time and emotional fortitude to focus enough to figure out what good is to come when presently things are coming from all directions? Sometimes it is nice to catch a break and get a positive change. I hope you are enjoying or will enjoy Goodbye Chunky Rice–it is, coincidentally, one of those books I reread every time I am feeling overwhelmed by changes. And usually I cry a lot, but then feel strangely better, though nothing is resolved. ;) May it make you feel good as well!
Ah — I keep on meaning to thank you for dropping that off! I haven’t had a chance to crack it open yet, but I’m gonna try to work that out one of these mornings on the bus.
I am way too tired and brain dead to say anything meaningful on the subject of change but… “PAID”??… “FULL TIME”??… “RESEARCH”?? That’s amazing!! Congratulations!!
Hehe–athankya!
Paid full-time position = ticket for grad school! Congratulations!
Also, I am amazed that you still remember this Chinese poem. Lin Lao Shi would be very proud :) Speaking about Chinese things, I just came back from San Francisco where I had the best dim sum ever. We should go get dim sum soon in Chinatown and brush up on our Mandarin!
Congrats on these good changes coming your way!!
Ah change. I just keep telling myself that your 20′s are supposed to be years of mildly terrifying but inevitable changes. How else are you supposed to figure this whole crazy thing out? And I don’t know about you, but for all the heart-break it’s all worked out pretty well up until this point for me… and from the looks of your recent (and future) gains, things seem to be flowing pretty well for you too!
Hey! That’s totally awesome — congrats!! Though we will of course miss you around WaHoo. And so will George Washington, but I guess you hate George Washington, so, that’s cool.
I would like to be better at navigating, and initiating for that matter, change. I tend to put things off and stay where I’m comfortable…though once the change is actually happening I usually rise to the occasion, so I guess that’s good. But I definitely avoid upsetting the status quo. I wish I were better at not doing that.
So glad things seem to be marching along well for you!