Mundane Turbulence

Two words: head implosion.

Illustration:

Yeah, I know it doesn’t look like me, but that’s because they didn’t find me for a week! So sad…

Basically, I am lacking real estate in my brain. There were mad developers, all like, “yeah, this economy kinda sucks right now, but I think we should give it a go in this here brain,” and at first, el presidente was welcoming, and granting tax breaks and low-interest loans, but now it’s just out of control. I mean, residents are running out of water and basic necessities. There are some that are living the high life: going to work every day, doing research, really enjoying what they do…but then there are others who have to go to school, and don’t have enough time to adequately study for their three finals in one week, and then they start goddamn blanking on things because they didn’t have enough brain to go around in the first place and then they have to figure out how they’re going to keep it together – and damn those neighbors of theirs who have everything they need – and their next semesters are going to be even more difficult and time-consuming and what the heck is going to happen then!

I mean…what? That metaphor sure fell apart quickly. Yeah, so work is awesome and school is losing out. I need one of them work/school/life balances that all the kids are raging about these days. Like, when I walk down the street, and I hear them talking about time management and whatnot on their see-saws. And life insurance and retirement plans. Kids really have it together these days.

I have to think options: what am I going to have to drop this coming semester? Am I going to have to beg for less hours at work, which I love? Will I have to forsake my friends, who keep me sane? Or will I just continue with mediocre grades until I graduate, hoping that grad schools appreciate my circumstances and see that I’ve excelled as a research assistant? Or will I just go join a monastery in Myanmar?

It’s funny…this is when the agoraphobic in me starts planning escape routes. I mean, ridiculous things like faking my own death, or fleeing the country. (Hey – I’ve got friends of friends in Venezuela…don’t mess!) Good thing I’m at least slightly more sane than that, but these are in fact the types of challenges that I find extremely discouraging.

I like to envision other circumstances that might be easier, but I don’t think they exist. I read a great ethnographic book a year or so ago called The Journey of One Buddhist Nun: Even Against the Wind, about a woman who dedicates her life, essentially, to meditation. Sounds great, right – all meditation, all the time? And yet, very trying social and professional dilemmas pervade her existence, causing all manner of stress, in spite of my personal assumption that this would be the life. If the path to contentment is not paved by the study of contentment, then, ya’know, what the heck?

So I stick with the path that I’m on, and hope that my perseverence gets me where I want to go. Also, I’d say I’m pretty darned resilient, so if worse came to worst – whatever that might look like – I honestly think I’d figure it out. It’s like crossing the street: cars might suddenly come at you from either direction, but you have to trust in your abilities to get to the other side regardless.