Mundane Turbulence

I like to listen to the live stream at wbur.org as I start my day. There’s an NPR station in Missoula, and of course there’s the national station, but I prefer my home newscast…it helps me to feel connected (even if the weather report doesn’t match up). It’s summer, and I miss my people.

When I was home during the winter, some of the undertaking felt like a chore. I loved being around my friends, but there were occasions that I experienced as obligations (in part), or which were otherwise uncomfortable because of conflicting demands. My time didn’t feel like my own, and I experienced unfamiliar feelings towards my favorite people as a result. I didn’t like it. I don’t like feeling upset, and I like even less the disharmony that it elicits when associated with those who bring me comfort.

I adapted my summer plans accordingly. I’ll be back for ten days, instead of two weeks, and this visit is really only the result of my required attendance at a cousin’s wedding. But now all I think is: thank goodness for that wedding! I have learned that summer is easily the coldest season, absent the warmth of friends. I am so happy with the connections I’ve made here, but they necessarily lack the variety that comes with decades of establishment – a truth of which I was completely oblivious during the winter.

After all, I am spoiled! Not only have I been gifted with the most brilliant friends, but I have been gifted with an abundance of the most brilliant friends. Friends that inspire and entertain; friends that make me a better person for knowing them. They have been in my life for years – my best years – and they’ve been so consistently present that I’ve allowed petty logistical frustrations to dictate the terms of an entire future visit. How entirely preposterous!

I want to be stuck with balancing between different groups of friends. I’m looking forward to long and boring bus rides across town. I don’t care about meeting up with people at bars that I hate. I can’t wait to be home!